Porn for charity, or not

If I don’t survive the next seven hours I’m donating all my porn to charity.

I chipped a tooth the weekend before last. I found only a part of it and it’s sitting on a small square of dark paper in front of me as I write this. Initially used as a reminder to call the dentist,  now it causes me to ponder the evolution of the tooth in land animals. Has there been any? Don’t dinosaur teeth follow the same blueprint as our teeth?

I think the basic structure of teeth, if not their actual shape and size, remains unchanged since…well, since they evolved millions of years ago. And normally I would be fine with that if I weren’t looking at part of one sitting on a dark square of paper in front of me, where it absolutely should not be.

This tooth I’m staring at… I’m certain it should have progressed beyond the I-can-break-and-cause-you-immense-pain stage by now. Like, way long ago.

But no.

In an amazingly short period, this tooth has gone from something that scratches my tongue when I talk to an evil thing spreading agony from the original break down into my jaw and over to my ear.

It takes no imagination at all to visualize some worm-like creature chewing its way from tooth to ear, much like a scenario in a show I saw a long, long time ago. (Something along the lines of The Outer Limits or The Twilight Zone but, apparently, neither of those.) Said story involved a man who lived in the jungle suffering excruciating pain as a worm worked its way from one ear to the other. When the worm exited his ear and the patient awoke feeling fantastic, it was discovered the worm was female and had laid eggs in his brain.

For those of you thinking “over-the-counter oral anesthetic,” been there, done that, and it worked at first. Few things can resist the numbing relief of 20% Benzocaine in a liquid solution that is Anbesol©. You can now add this particular tooth to that list.

As an aside, the only time you realize how well the “cocktail” of two Excedrin, two Tylenol, two Motrin, and two Aleve worked is when they wear off.

Last night, after my exposed tooth started throbbing in time with my heartbeat, I applied a generous dose of Anbesol. I wasn’t expecting much relief but decided that any relief would be better than none. Wrong move.

No longer a throb, each heartbeat produced such a jolt of searing pain that I literally dropped everything I was holding as tears fell uncontrollably. Each pulse producing involuntary spasms as I lay on the bed, not understanding why this was happening.

I still don’t know why that happened but, as the misery is now more manageable, I’m going to let the proverbial sleeping dog lie. My appointment with the dentist is in six and a half hours. I have never looked forward to being stuck in the mouth with a needle more than I do now. Also, this dentist has nitrous oxide (“laughing gas”) and I’m going to suck that tank dry. While in my N2O disembodied state, I’m going to ask Mother Nature why she did such a bang-up job with genitals but thoroughly screwed up the whole teeth thing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish organizing my porn.  You know, for charity.

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