There, it’s done. No melodramatic build-up to a climax you would have guessed much sooner anyway. Those of you who have already decided you can no longer be my friend…well…the rest of us will wait while you leave.
Do not be ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think. -Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Still here? Thank you.
I have been told for so very many years that I should never let anyone know my secret. You know, that I’m a queer, a faggot, a homosexual. And I believed them. But they weren’t trying to help me, they were helping themselves. The result is that I have never once ever lived my life. The total of what I am, or what I was until recently, is that small subset of things that don’t offend other people.
Pretending to be something I’m not had the result of molding me into a warped version of everyone else’s expectations; something I was never meant to be. Breaking free of my mold will not cause the real “me” to suddenly appear, but it will give me the freedom to become the person I should have been—within limitations.
I will never know the joys of being a young, happy, gay man. I was never given the opportunity to openly explore my true self in my youth like my peers. There were times when I was filled with loathing for who and what I was, knowing I could never be “normal.” I was afraid. I was constantly called a queer in school, though I don’t believe they actually knew the truth. They weren’t capable of that level of discernment and were simply being cruel the best way their limited abilities allowed. It has taken me decades to realize the problem wasn’t with me. It was, and for the most part still is, in allowing a narrow-minded group of people to decide what the definition of normal ought to be. A group whose sole purpose is the preservation of their own specific interests. These people do not serve the greater good, they serve only themselves.
From this day forward, I will live my life.